NEWS, RAMBLINGS AND AWARDS
THE DOG'S DIRT HUMPH
A lot of people own dogs these days. I suspect more folk
have a dog now than was ever the case. In fact, some folk have more than one. It
wouldn't be the first time I have waddled through some park and turned a corner
to come face to face with three folk and a veritable pack of something
approaching ten dogs.
Now, the thing about dogs is that they do poop now and then. It therefore stands
to reason that more dogs means more poop. In winter, when walking through any
area with trees and fallen leaves, I generally do not let my eyes leave the
ground in front of me. Because, sure as fate, one momentary lapse of
concentration will see me up to my armpits in some brown odorous sludge that has
escaped from the rear end of man's best friend.
Of course some people make the effort to pick up their
pet's poops. But not everyone then properly disposes of the poop-filled bag.
Some hang their little green plastic bag (same colour as grass so it must be
okay!!) from a tree, or drape it over a nearby fence. And the thing about plastic
bags is that the poop they contain is likely to remain therein for some
considerable time. Years, even. And yet if they had just left it on the ground
it would probably either have been washed away by rain within a couple
of days or stepped on by that many folk that it will have all but
As a result of all this extra poop, the National Health Service is
reporting a gradual rise over the past decade of the little known
condition DDH Syndrome. It develops over time in the human frame, and is
caused by having the head continually bent forward to scan the ground
ahead for poop. As the condition develops a small bump may grow on the
upper spine, and in more severe cases this may become a humph, hence the
name of the condition: Dog's Dirt Humph.
The Conservative Party has promised that if it gets in at the next
election it will introduce legislation forcing all dog owners to fit
their dogs with canine pampers.
The Good Soup Guide understands that certain firms are currently working
on different coloured pampers. 'There's the potential for a whole new
industry,' said one spokesperson. 'You could have pampers the same
colour as your curtains, or the same as your favourite coat. Even your
hair.' When asked how the pampers would be disposed of, the same
spokesperson suggested a different colour of wheelie-bin could be
introduced, along with a special weekly collection.
We asked a few dogs in the street, but got no more than a lot of
'woofs'. And poops.
BEST SOUP IN SCOTLAND AWARD goes to Brian's Cafe in
BEST ALE BREWED IN SCOTLAND AWARD goes to 'Seven
Giraffes', a superb ale brewed by the Williams Brothers in Alloa.
BEST PUB AWARD goes to
Greyfriars Bar in Perth. Go there now to find out why.
BEST THING TO SEE AWARD goes
to the panoramic view from Edinburgh's Calton Hill.
BEST LITTLE WALK AWARD goes to the forest track through
Mugdock Wood in Milngavie.
Scotland's just a wee place. At times this wee place seems to be
bristling with wee-minded folks. In places like Glasgow - and in other
towns and cities, I'm sure - overuse of the word 'wee' has reached
epidemic proportions. It is a word that is used through a combination of
habit and because our national psyche is one of the downtrodden bauchle who doesn't like to be a bother. You know, I have been invited
into a wee room to take a wee seat at a wee interview, asked if I've a wee phone number,
given my wee receipt at the supermarket, asked on countless occasions to
wait a wee moment, and handed my fish-supper with words along the lines
of, 'Here's yer wee fish supper, son.' And the thing is, it
was a wee
fish supper. Wee and expensive. But how did we ever get
ourselves into this vocabular mess? Why can't everything be BIG, instead
of wee? Are we to remain forever the broken head-bowed wee folk of the
planet, one wee step away from crawling into wee holes in the ground and
waving goodbye to ambition and visions of grandeur? These are all
questions we should chew over, and that's exactly what I'm going to do
now, down the wee pub in the wee town where there'll be other wee folk
that I can have a wee chat with, as well as a wee refreshment.
NEW YEARLY AWARDS
The 2010 Awards have, as you may see, just been announced.
These are places deemed to be of exceptional standard during the
previous year. This does not, of course, mean that last year's winners
have fallen from grace. Far from it. But there are that many superb
places out there that is is becoming increasingly difficult picking a
winner. And that is no bad thing. Long may it last, and well done to all
I fear I may be at death's door. Every time I wander into a shop someone
comes up to ask if I'm alright. I always knew I suffered from PWP (Peelie-Wally Pallor), but I never for one moment suspected that the
condition would get so bad.
What is it with shop assistants? Why can't they ask something sensible,
like, 'Can I help you?' or 'Would you like a hand to pack those two
apples?' Asking if a person wishing to browse or make purchases is
alright seems ridiculous, so utterly ridiculous that every time I am
asked I generally clutch my head, say, 'Well, now that you mention it, I
don't feel great,' then groan and fall theatrically to the ground. I can guarantee
that a couple of episodes of this and you will never be asked if you're
alright again and shopping will once more become that calm enjoyable
pastime of our dreams.
CRABS HAVE BEADY EYES ON STALKS
THE TRUTH ABOUT BANKERS
The flowers are coming,
said the elf,
So wipe away the snow,
And give a little breathing space,
They need it, don't you know,
For being a flower's not easy,
In amongst the snow,
So wipe away that cold stuff,
And let the flowers grow
The Last Word
Many shoppers don't generally like to be reminded
of the fact that what they are about to purchase was once a living
thing. There can be no more graphic example of this than the eyes often
found on the fish and sea-food that languish on
'Ah dinna like those beady eyes glowerin' at me,' said one shopper. 'It
gives me the willies.'
Supermarkets have been employing scientists to carry out research in
'It's going quite well,' said a spokesperson. 'At the moment we're
trying to genetically alter crabs, fish and prawns so that they are born
with no eyes. The research is at an early stage, and until such times as
we can master the technique we feel we may have discovered a temporary
solution. We have been able to insert the plant genes responsible for
causing a Venus fly-trap to close into the eyes of these creatures. The
plant genes remain active long after the animal is dead, and are still capable of giving a response a full week after that
creature has expired. With the Venus fly-trap, the closing of the plant
around an insect was brought about through triggering of receptors on
the plant's inner surface. When an insect brushed against the receptor,
the plant immediately closed. The same principal applies to the eyes of
these altered animals, and we're very pleased with the results. It is the
interaction between shopper and dead creature that will, we hope, put
shoppers more at ease.'
The Good Soup Guide understands that within the next few months
supermarket shelves will be filled with fish and crabs and other things
with beady eyes, the only difference being that when the dead creature
is touched, the eye will close. However, during some
trials shoppers were found to exit the store with arms flailing wildly
and cries of, 'Help! The bloody thing winked at me.'
The main Index page has been tweaked a bit. Any comments on how
you think it looks would be appreciated. Easy to find your way around?
Confusing? Where are the Heederum Hoderum Stompers? What's with all this
Let us know.